Veridian Dynamics.
Every day, something we make makes your life better.
Power - we make that.
Technology - we make that.
Cows -
well, no, we don't make cows.
Although we have made a sheep...
And medicines.
And airplane engines.
And whatever this is.
And all sorts of things.
Veridian Dynamics.
Every day, something we make makes your life better.
Usually...
Veridian Dynamics.
Life.
Better.
- BETTER OFF TED - - 1x01 Pilot -
I have the best job in the world.
We want to make a metal that's as hard as steel but can bounce like rubber...
- and is edible. - We can do that.
I'm the head of a research and development department
for one of the largest companies in America, Veridian Dynamics.
Veronica's my boss.
We need a mouse that can withstand temperatures up to 195 degrees.
We can do that.
A computer mouse or a live mouse?
I'll get back to you.
Every day, there's something new, waiting to be discovered.
- Computer mouse. - Easier.
We do everything -
industrial products, biomedical,
cryogenics, defense technology.
We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Then so do I.
Because?
A country with who we do business grows a great deal of pumpkins
and would welcome additional uses for them...
As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Pie.
Halloween and pie.
I've been at Veridian 3 years. Last year, I got a promotion,
and now I run a team of some of the smartest people in the world.
There we go.
Okay, people.
We need to turn this simple, festive gourd
into a killer.
I've asked Dr. Bhamba to take a look at how nature does it because nature
is a fantastic killer of things.
Dr. Bhamba.
Thank you.
Nature attacks and annihilates the pumpkin with powdery mildew disease,
which can be mutated and designed to attack human cell structure,
causing enemy soldiers to grow a magnificent, soft downy coating
and die...
- As mold. - Oh, my god.
- Spores in uniforms. - I think we get the picture.
Cindy, Lester, Jerry, you're with Dr. Bhamba on this.
The rest of you, you're welcome.
Ted,
the drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric.
Find another use for it.
Well, it's good texture,
coloration. Maybe a breakfast meat.
Are you serious? We want to be in that business.
No.
You have to lighten up.
Maybe I'm too funny.
Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.
This is Lem.
He's a genius.
Seriously.
For 10 years, Lem has been research partners with...
Phil,
who's also a genius.
I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to us?
That proximity was so elegant.
They think if it's harder to reach, that we'll use less of it.
They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me.
It used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.
Just take the roll off of the dispenser
and bring it with you before you sit.
- That's what I do. - What? That's not normal.
It becomes normal...
if you keep doing it.
Everything does.
You can put up with their crap if you want to. That's who you are.
But I'm not like that. I'm a fighter.
I fight stuff like this.
- No, you don't. - Shut up, Phil.
I would if I thought I could win.
No, remember there was that thing last week
that you thought you could win and you still didn't fight? Remember?
- With the sandwich? - Yeah, I should've fought that.
- I thought so. - Hey, fellas.
See if you can make this fabric into a line of office chairs.
It's very strong and,
- well, dark. - Do I fight injustice enough?
Is this about the sandwich?
Because I think you knew you wouldn't have won that.
Your mom's tough.
She once killed a bat with a "People" magazine.
That is tough, but... one thing she's not?
Someone who can create something out of nothing,
like you can.
So make me an office chair.
- He's a better man than you. - Agreed.
The next step for any product is testing.
Testing is one of the things Linda does for us.
People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.
Squirming? Or...
are they just enjoying it so much, they want their whole body to rub against it?
I know you're an R&D legend with magical R&D powers.
But the chair? Just... no.
Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter.
She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't,
because that would be giving up.
Look at these numbers.
You scared me.
- What's with the creamer? - Nothing.
They're mine. What's up?
Productivity increase when people use the chairs.
I like creamer.
I've only worked here 6 months. Is there a rule about that I should know?
When people can't get comfortable,
they don't daydream or get distracted, so they're more productive.
And more filled with hate.
And the scratchier the fabric...
The more uncomfortable people are
and the harder they work.
Get it off me!
- Get it off me! Get it off! - Up to a point,
then they go mad.
Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin
or an irritating chair that makes people work harder?
The thing is, work's not about right and wrong.
It's about success... or failure.
Your department's using too much creamer.
Does it matter?
It's not "Katrina", but it is a problem.
Ted, there's been a spill... oh, hi,
- Veronica. It's nothing. - Hi, Phil.
Actually, you're the reason I'm here.
- Really? - Yes. You can go now.
- But... - I'm here to talk about you, not to you.
I'm sorry.
We want to freeze Phil.
- Excuse me? - Phil.
The company wants to cryonically freeze him,
just for a year, to see if it's possible. We think it is.
- You think it's possible? - Yes, Mr. Negative, we do.
We have developed a chemical which allows us to
rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding.
And, fingers crossed,
we're ready for human testing.
Your presentation sucks. And why Phil?
For PR reasons, they wanted an employee.
In the unlikely event something goes wrong, well,
there are people here we would, you know,
miss more.
You be sure to tell him that when you try to get him to do it.
- I see where this is going. - Your guys will do anything for you.
They've got...
what's that thing again? Underlings have it.
Loyalty.
This is huge for us. You need to make it happen.
Well, I'll try.
But Phil hates the cold and he freaks out in small spaces,
so this assignment is not ideal for him.
Well, they originally suggested Lem, but...
freeze the black guy? They're not stupid.
If I'm gonna ask Phil to do something potentially dangerous,
I need to make sure that it's potentially safe.
So I've asked Linda to check out the data.
No, the zebra and the toaster are friends...
I have to go.
No, that makes the toaster too mean. He's not a sociopath.
He just doesn't want to make toast anymore.
Hi.
Is that a new shirt?
That's cool. Let's pretend that that phone call wasn't odd.
I'm trying to write a children's book, and my illustrator doesn't get...
most of it.
Well, what's, uh, not to get?
A toaster that doesn't want to make toast.
And, of course, there's a zebra.
You do the same thing every day. You please everyone around you.
At some point you say:
"Making toast is fine, it's opened some doors, but I need more."
"So I'm running away. I don't know how. I'm
plugged into a wall, I don't have legs, but I'm doing it."
You totally get the toaster,
and his complicated love/hate relationship with the outlet.
Who has all the power.
- That's lame. - You laughed.
Yeah.
You want to know about Phil? It's probably okay...
If he can get past minus 20 degrees without his eyes bursting.
That would be the first sign of trouble.
This is a great company, isn't it? Freezing its employees.
Employee. They're only freezing one.
For now.
Do you know that they send us the phone bills for our non-work-related calls?
They don't charge us for 'em. They just want us to know that
they know we're making 'em. Can a company be bitchy?
- Is that why you steal creamer? - Yes.
It's an act of rebellion.
I also scratched the words "place scrotum here"
on the lunch room table, but then,
you know, that just became the thing to do.
- You have the best cubicle. - Yeah, and we have been in all of them.
Except Cindy's.
No way.
I've been in there, twice.
She got so mad the first time.
I'm definitely going in there sometime, twice also... as well.
We heard rumors something's gonna be done to Phil?
I just so want it to be something good.
Why do they want to freeze me? I didn't do anything.
Phil, it's not a punishment. It's an honor.
You've been chosen to be a pioneer,
to go someplace no one's ever gone before...
and come back.
I don't know.
I can talk to my wife about it? Will I keep getting paid?
- She's going to want to know that. - Of course.
I assume. I mean, technically, it is work.
I'll check.
You shouldn't freeze Phil.
This is my daughter Rose. She knows everything.
Honey, it's exciting. It's gonna be a huge breakthrough in science.
- I like Phil. - Maybe even more when he's frozen.
I like him the temperature he is.
Phil came to my birthday.
It's wrong to freeze someone who comes to your daughter's birthday.
- Did you do your math homework? - Yes.
- 6 times 8? - Yes, that was one of them.
Would you do it? Would you do something like this and leave me?
When Rose was four, her mom left us to go save the world.
That's been hard for Rose. Frankly, not so great for the world, either.
I would never leave you, ever.
I know. We've discussed this. You're a great dad.
But it's wrong to ask Phil to do something you wouldn't do.
You're right.
You're always right because stupidly, I taught you right and wrong.
Tell 'em you don't want to do it. They can't force employees
to participate in human experiments.
- They lost that court case. - But I want to do it.
What? Phil, that's crazy.
Thank you. See? I'm not the only one.
- It is only for a year, Lem. - I'll just stand perfectly still
so I don't accidentally go on living my life without you.
- Moron. - Look,
I might've sold you a little too hard yesterday, and that was...
wrong.
No, you were right. This is my chance to be a pioneer.
My wife thought it would be exciting, too, which surprised me,
because she's normally a deeply and relentlessly negative person.
Mrs. Moron.
At least I have a Mrs. Moron. Who's in your life, Lem?
Why are you being so mean?
And so... They froze Phil.
What I do now...
I do for science.
And so, I do not ask for your concern.
All I ask is for your respect.
Respect as a scientist,
respect as a friend...
Respect as a man. Oh, god! I think this is it!
I've never seen a man explode from the inside.
A rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey and a reindeer,
but that's all.
I'm out.
This is normal.
Every company does stuff like this.
Right?
Does Phil look like he's in pain?
Bummer to have to stay like that for a year.
I don't think you're crazy for stealing creamer.
Watch closely. Minus 20 is when the eyes might burst.
He's been like this for three days, now. They promised him
he could stay in the lab with his friends, so that's good.
Right, buddy?
Creepy.
- They're moving him tomorrow. - What? Where?
I think the basement. Although, there's been talk of India.
Hello. No, I can talk.
Phil thawed out? How?
It's very technical.
- Is he okay? - He's fine.
It's just...
something's not quite right.
Next, we looked at Methyl Thiazole-4, which we assumed would...
So this thing with Phil, making that stupid face and yelling...
they think it's distracting.
I guess in hindsight they shouldn't have vitrified his brains.
I'm not gonna play the blame game with you. The point is,
- they need you to let him go. - What?
Have you...
been avoiding me...
since...
you know, you held my hand?
No.
And I didn't hold your hand. I...
held on to your hand after you held my hand.
Okay.
That's how we're playing it? We're gonna play it stupid?
Okay. I don't know how it happened.
I do.
I was standing there like this,
and you took my hand like this, and that's...
how it happened.
- Linda. - Ted...
I used up my office affair.
- What now? - You only get one, otherwise
you're that guy that sleeps around. And about a year ago, I used mine.
That was an excellent presentation.
Everything you said was just so
concise and exactly...
I think you and I should have sex.
If you want.
Look at me.
I'm so nervous, I'm shaking like a leaf.
- No, no, you're not. - No.
Is that a problem? I don't get nervous. I try. It just doesn't come out.
I guess that makes me...
vulnerable.
No, you're not vulnerable.
No.
So...
where does that put us?
Ted, it's okay.
Really. I don't care. I work for you. It would be...
Besides, only an idiot would have an affair with their boss.
Pretty girl.
Although, she makes a lot of non-work-related calls,
which I think makes her less attractive.
Listen, about firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.
You're right.
Wait until the end of business, Friday. It'll be easier for payroll.
- You're kidding, right? - No.
Now, they want you to fire Phil.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
Do grown-ups even care about right and wrong?
Did you brush your teeth?
Don't change the subject.
- Hello, Linda. - Hi.
Did I surprise you?
I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person.
I didn't think you knew my name.
Of course I know your name.
I know a lot about you.
Linda...
Katherine...
Zword...
ning... ling.
Zwordling.
Fine. You know your name better than I do.
Ted, I can't have you sleeping with Linda.
- What? - It could embarrass me,
- plus I may not be done with you yet. - Hey, guys.
Hi, Phil. I hear you're blinking again. Good for you.
- Why is he still here? - Because, I'm not firing him.
- But they want you to fire him. - I don't care. It's just wrong.
So then you're saying no to them?
That's an interesting career choice.
Phil doesn't deserve to be fired.
He's incredibly smart. He's hardworking. He let us freeze him!
He's the last guy that deserves to be fired, and i'm standing by him.
Dude. You're not helping me.
Okay, I'll talk to them.
But what you're doing is gonna hurt their feelings,
and when their feelings get hurt, they hurt the ones they love.
- And they love you, Ted. - Then maybe I should talk to them.
They don't want to talk to you when you're like this.
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